Where Are They Now? transcript, March 25 2007

"So mister Bin Laden, five years ago you were the most wanted man in the world but then it all came crumbling down. What have you been doing since?"

"Well I thought I was in big trouble after that whole 911 thing but they just sort of forgot about me and focused on reshaping the world. You know, Iraq and all. It's like I didn't even exist anymore. You can't explain it. I tried to call a few times but they just weren't interested anymore.

"For a guy like me, you know, I wasn't ready for all the fame, and then all of a sudden it was all gone, you know. So I was like, what do I do now? I had a tough couple of years, but, you know, you take it one day at a time.

"It was tough for a while. One morning I woke up in a Vegas hotel, that I was living in at the time, in a pool of my own vomit, a coked up 45 year old hooker in the bed and a bookie beating down the door. That's when I knew I needed to do something. So I checked myself into one of those 12 step programs for recovering jihadists and six months later I had my own place, a car and even met a nice girl.

"So I do odd jobs. You know, just trying to get by. But things are good. I had a cameo in the Michael Moore film. Just a small role, you won't know it's me unless you have slow motion. (laughs) I did another small role for MTV, and it was even a speaking part, but my line was like seven words long. Here's what I said; "You want some hollandaise sauce on that?" Hollandaise (laughs). That was a lot of fun.

"Oh, I'm still hoping to be on celebrity Jeopardy next month. So, you know, I'm still around on TV some. Not like I used to be you know! (laughs) I remember when I could just have some guy start filming and I would just, like, talk for thirty minutes or so. I mean ramble on and on, not even paying attention to what I was saying sometimes. And next thing you know, this guy would travel a thousand miles with the tape and it would be on Al-Jazeera the next day and everybody, I mean everybody, CNN, NBC, CBS, ABC, FOX... well not FOX, everybody but FOX would have it on the air the next day. Maybe the president would try to make some sort of response to it, but, you know, nobody could ever understand what he was saying so it was kind of funny. (laughs) But that's how it was back then. I could just ramble on and on for a few minutes and people would just be all over it.

"But anyway, I do small jobs on TV sometimes. Other than that I work part time at a rental place. You know, one of those places where people rent couches and TVs. Only in America! I don't think I can say the name on TV but I've been there for six months and I'm probably going to be assisstant manager soon. I don't want to make a career out of it or anything, but you know, it pays the bills. And I like the people. It's low stress. It's not so bad, you know.

"But I still want to get back into the limelight somewhat. I do these little gigs, opening for local bands you know. I come out, do a few jokes, and you know, they get to see a celebrity. It's kind of cool for them I suppose. Extra cash for me. It's 10 minutes of work, it's not so bad.

"Oh, my cousin, I almost forgot. My cousin has started a band and I'm the manager. I handle the equipment and book gigs. You know, nothing big so far but we've had some good shows. It's called "Tora Bora Blues" so if anyone's watching and wants to book them, maybe they can, like, put up a number or something. Maybe they'll hit, you never know. I'm not counting on it, no offense muhammed it's just tough to make it to the big time, but you never know, maybe they will. They're really good.

"So you know, things are going OK. I'm really doing pretty well when you look at it. It's not a bad life. Not everything is 100 percent the way I want it, but I'm working on that. And if I don't make it back, at least I tried. I think that's all that really matters. You give it your best shot and hope for the best, but even if you don't make it, be happy in whatever you do. And I'm happy in that. And I think that's what matters."

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