6.05.2004

Things I learned from Lord of the Rings, Return of the King, Redux

(Now with screenshots)




People

Kings did not have the need for teleprompters in those days. They also never had to ride around inside arrowproof carriages for safety amongst their people. I believe those two facts are related somehow.

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"What's my line?"


Though entirely seperate species, there is no law governing the union of human and elf.

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"Kiss me my perfectly legal interspecies girlfriend"


If Gandalf were alive today, he would use Linux

Gandalf is like karl rove times a million, except for not being evil.

Gimili may be the last dwarf of the face of the earth, but I bet his poor personal hygene still creates problems when it comes to attracting women.

An immortal evil wizard who has centuries of trickery and magic under his belt can easily be contained by locking him in his castle if the land and buildings outside the castle are destroyed. His power is inexplicably but intimately tied to his extensive landscaping projects.

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"Dude, it's ok, we wrecked his yard"


When a hobbit says "we are sitting on a field of victory" with his mouth full, the "s" in "sitting" sounds a lot like "sh".

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Shitting on the field of victory


Hobbits are allowed to dance on tables although their feet would break health regulations in a heartbeat.

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Somebody call the Health Department


Playing a special role in the socio-political-militaristic adventure will earn you eternal life in the sea with the elves whilst your friends are left to reside in the same old rotton, boring life in which they were born although their sacrifices were no less honorable.

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"Um, bye. We'll just, like, hang out here until we die. Enjoy your immorality. Glad we could help, asshat"


Although the last ship left long ago, there will always be another one for the social elite.

Though elves are the most advanced creatures in the history of the earth and their lives are the very epitome of gracefully refined elagance, elven men still come off a little gay.

When committing suicide to gain the favor of your father while he eats dinner, you can always find a few hundred people willing to die alongside you.

You can easily drive a wedge through even the most ardent of friendships with month old bread.

An all seeing ever powerful eye will not recgonize you in enemy clothing, even if you are three feet shorter than all it's minions.

Horses

Though reliable for transportation, horses tend to attract even more vicious animals which either like to stomp or eat them.

Although Sahdowfax is the king of horses, it appears he never has any more horsepower than any of the other cheaper models.

The loyalty of horses goes in both extremes at different times. They may bravely ride you into a deadly melee during battle but they may also run away at the sight of spooky caves.

The horses of those days were braver than the horses we have today and would charge right over pikes and spears. If Napoleon had those horses at Waterloo, all of Europe would be speaking French today.

Ghost horses have the advantage of being amphibious.

Giant prehistoric elephants that are over 100 feet tall

Giant prehistoric elephants that are over 100 feet tall can still be easily concealed until needed.

Giant prehistoric elephants that are over 100 feet tall and impervious to arrows and spears can be brought down with small cuts on their legs. If this doesn't work, three arrows shot into the densest bone in it's body, the skull, will fell a giant prehistoric elephant that is over 100 feet tall every time.

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"Gymkata!"


Giant prehistoric elephants that are over 100 feet tall probably do not cry when receiving their tattoos.

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"Kee-rist that hurts, I didn't even cry like this when I got my tattoo"


If you are on the back of a giant prehistoric elephant that is over 100 feet tall when it dies, it will gently fall forward while extending it's trunk so that you can surf it straight to the ground where your friend will be standing only a few feet away with a humourous comment at the ready.

Battles

When fleeing the final battle in which your evil overlord is destroyed, it is probably best to strike out on your own rather than stay with the pack. While the pack will probably be persued and slaughtered, a lone orc may slip under the radar and be able to land a job busing tables somewhere.

When something interesting happens during a battle it is always safe to take time to just stand there and look at it. Your enemy is fair and will not attack you while your attention is diverted.

Women and children should be kept near the front lines and only evacuated to the inner sanctum of the castle at the last moment.

A 30 ton chunk of rock that was blown off the castle can be moved onto a trebuchet and fired within seconds.

The velocity and trajectory of huge chunks of rock flying through the air is easy enough to determine from 600 yards away that you should be able to simply move a couple of feet the instant before it crashes down. Making sure the rock lands six inches from your face should be sufficient as it will have no asymetrical protrusions which may get your feet or snag other parts of your body, nor will any parts break off and smash your toes or anything.

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"I am the master of Euclidean geometry and parabolic motion."


When recruiting a ghost army, practice what you are going to say beforehand so you don't make mistakes during the bargaining of terms. An example would be telling them they will be freed "if they fight with you" when it would be much better to tell them they will be freed "when the war is over". A ghost army is numerous, deadly, and unstoppable because they cannot be killed but they will consider their obligation fulfilled after one small battle and when you could easily win the entire war with them later, they will not be there.

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"Say, boss. I know you have this big war thing going on but technically we agreed only to "fight with you" so what's the chance of cutting out a little early?"



When the ghost army is in battle, it is still good to have the only three mortals off by themselves and surrounded by the enemy so they can share a lot of the dangerous work too.

The Nazgul, a prehistoric dragon type animal, does not necessarily have hide as tough as it looks and though it's neck is five feet in diameter, it's head can be lopped off in two strokes.

When riding out to protect horsemen from flying Nazguls, take the hobbit with you. I can think of no good reason to do so, maybe it has to do with traction or something.

General

Giant eyes supernova when they die.

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Poof!


Evil immortal warriors who, as a rule, "cannot be defeated by any man" are easily defeated through the exploitation of semantics. Namely, they can easily be killed by a woman.

Catfish, though tasty when eaten alive, will turn you into a hideously deformed monster over time.

If your weakness centers around the fact that if your ring is thrown into the lava of Mount Doom and you are aware that your enemy is seeking to exploit this one and only weakness, it may be wise to put a lock on the door that accesses the lava.

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"I'll operate this entrance that leads to my destruction on the honor system"


If doused with oil and lit afire, you will still have time to run two hundred yards to make a more dramatic death.

Do not be concerned about the hot lava you are fallig into. Instead, it is best to think one last happy thought before you drown in fiery death.

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Think happy thoughts



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