8.31.2004

She'll Kiss You Deadly!

That is the tagline to one of the worst movies I have ever had misfortune to witness; Zero Woman: The Accused.

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If I ask you to do something, will you promise me you will? Ok then don't under any circumstance see this movie!

I'm in the video store and there's absolutely nothing to rent so I do what I always do and check out the foreign films section. In my video store this consists of one three-foot section but it has some pretty good movies usually and this movie didn't look so bad. A hot girl playing a cop in an action movie, maybe not an award winner but a person could do worse.

The description on the back says she's an undercover cop in the "Zero Department." When people start turning up murdered with a skill worthy of the ZD's finest "assassin", the girl "is on the run from her own kind, hot on the trail of a killer who is her equal in every way." So you see, it's supposed to be a cat and mouse police action/thriller.

Unfortuately, I didn't see any of those plotlines. I never noticed that there was a string of murders, and she's an assassain anyway, not a cop who would track down a killer. 30 seconds into the movie I could tell it was going to suck just by the poor lighting and camera work, but I at least expected something resembling the description. Let me give you the plot as I saw it:

The girl is an assassain and she kills a guy then talks to her boss. She's lonely and hates this life so on the way home she has sex with a man in an alley(!).

She starts casing a bar looking for some guy, I never really understood who, and on the way home one night she sees a guy in the alley getting beaten and, I think, sodomized (thankfully that wasn't very clear). Our badass assassain does the heroic thing and sits down and waits until they're finished then carries the guy home where he lives from then on. At one point they start to have sex but he explains that he can't get it up with a girl he likes.

Her boss takes her to some house outside the city and they talk in the driveway. He tells a story about an ex-lover female cop who was killed in an explosion. He asks if it was her. She asks if he wants to have sex to find out if it was her or not. They have sex in the driveway.

She comes home and her roommate is dressed like a woman. They take a shower together, and afterward he cuts her hair. (I didn't really understand much of this movie but I wasn't paying a whole lot of attention either).

Sometime later she is in the bar again and a guy tries to pick her up but she rejects him. As she's walking home she sees her roomate dressed as a woman taking the guy from the bar into a building. She keeps walking but hears a crashing noise coming from the building so she goes to check it out. She finds the man from the bar dead. Her freaky roommate jumps her, finds out it's her, and they start to have sex. Then her boss enters and shoots her roommate. I wasn't paying attention but I guess she killed her boss. Then she drags her roommate home and just before he dies he tells her he had a really good hard-on just before he got shot. THE END.

The people who created this disaster successfully blended the plot and cinematography of a porn movie and the sensuality and eroticism of a documentary. I don't know why this movie was made. It wasn't to tell a story and it wasn't to show action. It's not about sex either because it's never shown, she just sorta leans up against people and sex is allegedly happening when she does.

There are some movies that leave me absolutely puzzled as to why the hell they were made and how on earth they convinced someone to finance the production. This is obviously one of those movies.

The back of the DVD box has a review by "Midnight Eye Review" which says "Effectively plotted, well acted, and ably directed" which is funny because that's precisely everything this movie is not. I mean, they could just said something noncommittal like "A real thrillride!" and left it at that, but they praised specifics in all the areas of filmmaking that the movie is totally lacking.

I will say, however, that "She'll Kiss You Deadly!" is going to be my new catch phrase.



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