Terror and crime have been defeated!!!
Ladies and gentlemen, this is truly earthshattering news. The world as we know it has changed in ways I have never imagined possible.
As some of you probably already know, John Ashcroft resigned today as attorney general. But what many have yet to realize is that in his letter of resignation he said, and I quote "The objective of securing the safety of Americans from crime and terror has been achieved."
Apparently the rest of the letter is just filler for this monumentous announcment.
Ladies and gentlemen, securing America from terrorists and crimnals has been achieved! We won! Take that Osama Bin Laden! Woo-hoo! And not only Osama, but criminals as well will be waking up to the bad news that Americans are now safe from their dastardly ways! Yay!
I mean, shit, I feel so bad having been skeptical of Ashcroft in the past. I mean, this was a guy who lost a senate race to a dead guy and who, according to his autobiography (which I predict will now finally start to sell), is annointed with holy oil every time he takes a new job and when he runs out uses Crisco. Yet my skeptism was totally unfounded because, although the Justice Department has yet to convict a single person with terrorist activities, somehow, while we were all asleep, they were still able to meet the grand objective of securing us from not only terror but crime as well!
I mean Holy God people, no more crime!! Imagine what our world will be like tomorrow! The police sirens I hear going down the street must be the cops celebrating though I hate to tell them, they're gonna all be out of a job tomorrow.
Well, too bad for them, but I think it's worth it. I think history will judge John Ashcroft as the most heroic figure of all time. Dare I say it, but even Jesus did very little to fight crime, and he sure didn't secure an entire nation from it in only four years!