Abstinence, Speedy The Sperm, and my political identity crisis.

Jesus' General, a hilarious satire site and one of only two "liberal" sites I read, has the most amazing post today on abstinence education. It is more or less a breakdown of part of Henry Waxman's report on Bush's costly abstinence education program, so it's obviously partisan, biased, or whatever you want to call it, but that doesn't do much to change the fact that the abstinence program is filled with curricula which is mindnumbingly insane. Bizarre, in fact.

Just read some of the quoted text and you'll learn that they're teaching kids that touching another person's genitals can result in pregnancy and that you can get AIDS from tears and sweat. But I laughed especially hard at the sections dealing with women and men which can best be summed up as this: men are smart, women are dependant and true happiness can be accomplished when a woman knows her place.

Then there's the epic story of Speedy The Sperm which I would summarize if it only made any sense in either the logical physical-biological world or the metaphorical universe, neither of which, unfortunately, it comfortably resides.

I don't really support school teaching sex-ed. To tell the truth I'm kind of torn on it. On one hand I generally think our public schools do well to teach addition and subtraction properly and shouldn't get involved in moral issues and on the other hand... well on the other hand I don't really give a shit. Don't have kids, don't want 'em, so who cares.

My liberal side says kids aren't going to stop screwin' and it probably is good for the public health if they have a little guidance but then there's my conservative side. No, it doesn't say to teach abstinence and pray with the kids that God will help keep them chaste. Instead, my conservative side is truly conservative and says that my taxes shouldn't be wasted on an asinine government program that has no affect on anything. Since I don't have kids, but I do pay taxes, my conservative side wins on this one. Screw everyone else's horny heathen yardapes, I have useless consumer gadgets I need to buy to fill the vacancy in my heart for not having kids, or something like that.

Now the silly part of all this is that my conservative viewpoint on this issue, as well as many others, not only goes directly against the Bush administration's actions but would be sneered at by most any "conservative" I bothered to share it with, because they don't want the government to butt out of things where it doesn't belong. Instead, they want the government to force people into their way of thinking.

Want another example? Gay marriage. An alarming number of "conservatives" want a Constitutional ban on gay marriage. It seems that allowing the states to decide the matter on their own is something that conservatives forget is already contained in the Constitution, not to mention equal protection, which hardly squares with targeted exclusion.

I, personally, don't care if gays get married. If you see a gay couple walking down the street, what the hell does it matter if they have wedding bands on? The best advice I know of for people against gay marriage is this, "Don't marry a gay person." Simple and to the point. Personal responsibility, I say. No need to get the government in the private affairs of others just so you can force them to live the way you want them to. Now I ask you, what could be more conservative than that?

Yet another example would be abortion. Personally, except in the cases of rape, inscest or the threat to the mother's life, I'm against abortion. If I got someone pregnant I'd take the kid and raise it on my own before I said yes to an abortion. But I can't support using the government to force people to live in harmony with my personal views. I have no problem condemning some rich slut who keeps having abortions because she can't keep her legs closed, but I realize that most abortions are done because people can't raise the kid. It's not plan A, in other words. It's usually the last choice of a desperate girl who made a mistake.

But that's not why I'm against using the government to deny people abortions. I'm against it because I'm not willing to do anything on my own to help those seeking abortion. I think that if you're against abortion you should put your money where your mouth is and do something to help instead of condemning people who have nowhere else to turn. Instead of picketing an abortion clinic, pro-life conservatives should stand outside and offer to adopt the babies if the mother will just have them. If they're not willing to make their own sacrifice, they have no business asking the government to do their work for them.

And so deepens my political identity problem. It seems that everytime I read the news, "conservatives" are working hard to force their lifestyle on everyone through the use of government. What's so conservative about that?

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