5.28.2004

Virtual Zen Garden

Rake a flash Zen Garden

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MP3 Blogs

Some dude named Thom has a nice list of MP3 blogs. Note that people are adding more links in the comments section too.

Via Fluxblog, which has good mp3's as well as lots of links too.



Tribute to the Goatse man

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The page below pays tribute to the infamous goatse man. If you don't know who this internet legend is, DO NOT go find out. Instead let me see if I can explain without exposing you to the raw goatse.

There was once a webpage at www.goatse.cx (a Czech domain which is an obvious pun on "goatsex") which consisted of nothing but a few gross images. The front page was a large image of a man posing bent over, hands pulling his ass cheeks akimbo. And I mean, like, really really akimbo. Like you could drive a car up in there.

Many an internet user fell victim to a subtle redirect to the goatse site. If you didn't like someone, you could send them the link and tell them it's a really cool website, knowing they'd soon be tearing their eyes out in horror. Ok so maybe it takes a real immature geeky loser to see the humor in Goatse Man, but it was one of the longest running pranks in the book. Sadly, Goatse Man's website was suspended about six months ago, and another internet legend bit the dust.

The following site pays tribute to this. I would suggest not viewing any sections that have real images from Goatse superimposed, but stick to the sections like: "Real life stuff supposed to evocate goatse". Here is the site.




5.27.2004

Things I learned from Lord of the Rings, Return of the King


People

Kings did not have the need for teleprompters in those days. They also never had to ride around inside arrowproof carriages for safety amongst their people. I believe those two facts are related somehow.

Though entirely seperate species, there is no law governing the union of human and elf.

If Gandalf were alive today, he would use Linux.

Gandalf is like Karl Rove times a million, except for not being evil.

Gimili may be the last dwarf of the face of the earth, but I bet his poor personal hygene still creates problems when it comes to attracting women.

An immortal evil wizard who has centuries of trickery and magic under his belt can easily be contained by locking him in his castle if the land and buildings outside the castle are destroyed. His power is inexplicably but intimately tied to his extensive landscaping projects.

When a hobbit says "we are sitting on a field of victory" with his mouth full, the "s" in "sitting" sounds a lot like "sh".

Hobbits are allowed to dance on tables although their feet would break health regulations in a heartbeat.

Playing a special role in the socio-political-militaristic adventure will earn you eternal life in the sea with the elves whilst your friends are left to reside in the same old rotton, boring life in which they were born although their sacrifices were no less honorable.

Although the last ship left long ago, there will always be another one for the social elite.

Though elves are the most advanced creatures in the history of the earth and their lives are the very epitome of gracefully refined elagance, elven men still come off a little gay.

When committing suicide to gain the favor of your father while he eats dinner, you can always find a few hundred people willing to die alongside you.

You can easily drive a wedge through even the most ardent of friendships with month old bread.

An all seeing ever powerful eye will not recgonize you in enemy clothing, even if you are three feet shorter than all it's minions.

Horses

Though reliable for transportation, horses tend to attract even more vicious animals which either like to stomp or eat them.

Although Sahdowfax is the king of horses, it appears he never has any more horsepower than any of the other cheaper models.

The loyalty of horses goes in both extremes at different times. They may bravely ride you into a deadly melee during battle but they may also run away at the sight of spooky caves.

The horses of those days were braver than the horses we have today and would charge right over pikes and spears. If Napoleon had those horses at Waterloo, all of Europe would be speaking French today.

Ghost horses have the advantage of being amphibious.

Giant prehistoric elephants that are over 100 feet tall

Giant prehistoric elephants that are over 100 feet tall can still be easily concealed until needed.

Giant prehistoric elephants that are over 100 feet tall and impervious to arrows and spears can be brought down with small cuts on their legs. If this doesn't work, three arrows shot into the densest bone in it's body, the skull, will fell a giant prehistoric elephant that is over 100 feet tall every time.

Giant prehistoric elephants that are over 100 feet tall probably do not cry when receiving their tattoos.

If you are on the back of a giant prehistoric elephant that is over 100 feet tall when it dies, it will gently fall forward while extending it's trunk so that you can surf it straight to the ground where your friend will be standing only a few feet away with a humourous comment at the ready.

Battles

When fleeing the final battle in which your evil overlord is destroyed, it is probably best to strike out on your own rather than stay with the pack. While the pack will probably be persued and slaughtered, a lone orc may slip under the radar and be able to land a job busing tables somewhere.

When something interesting happens during a battle it is always safe to take time to just stand there and look at it. Your enemy is fair and will not attack you while your attention is diverted.

Women and children should be kept near the front lines and only evacuated to the inner sanctum of the castle at the last moment.

A 30 ton chunk of rock that was blown off the castle can be moved onto a trebuchet and fired within seconds.

The velocity and trajectory of huge chunks of rock flying through the air is easy enough to determine from 600 yards away that you should be able to simply move a couple of feet the instant before it crashes down. Making sure the rock lands six inches from your face should be sufficient as it will have no asymetrical protrusions which may get your feet or snag other parts of your body, nor will any parts break off and smash your toes or anything.

When recruiting a ghost army, practice what you are going to say beforehand so you don't make mistakes during the bargaining of terms. An example would be telling them they will be freed "if they fight with you" when it would be much better to tell them they will be freed "when the war is over". A ghost army is numerous, deadly, and unstoppable because they cannot be killed but they will consider their obligation fulfilled after one small battle and when you could easily win the entire war with them later, they will not be there.

When the ghost army is in battle, it is still good to have the only three mortals off by themselves and surrounded by the enemy so they can share a lot of the dangerous work too.

The Nazgul, a prehistoric dragon type animal, does not necessarily have hide as tough as it looks and though it's neck is five feet in diameter, it's head can be lopped off in two strokes.

When riding out to protect horsemen from flying Nazguls, take the hobbit with you. I can think of no good reason to do so, maybe it has to do with traction or somehting.

General

Evil immortal warriors who, as a rule, "cannot be defeated by any man" are easily defeated through the exploitation of semantics. Namely, they can easily be killed by a woman.

Catfish, though tasty when eaten alive, will turn you into a hideously deformed monster over time.

If doused with oil and lit afire, you will still have time to run two hundred yards to make a more dramatic death.

Do not be concerned about the hot lava you are fallig into. Instead, it is best to think one last happy thought before you drown in fiery death.


5.26.2004

Physics jokes

Heisenberg was driving down the Autobahn whereupon he was pulled over by a policeman. The policeman asked, "Do you know how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg replied, "No, but I know where I am."

What's the difference between an auto mechanic and a quantum mechanic? The quantum mechanic can get the car inside the garage without opening the door.

Mrs. Schroedinger to Mr. Shroedinger: "Erwin! What happenned to the cat? It looks half-dead!!"

A hydrogen atom lost its electron and went to the police station to file a missing electron report. He was questioned by the police: "Haven't you just misplaced it somewhere? Are you sure that your electron is really lost?" "I'm positive." replied the atom.

How do you know that the driver driving toward you is a physicist? He has a red sticker on his bumper, saying: "If this sticker is blue, you are driving too fast."

The neutron walked into a bar and ordered a beer. Bartender brings it over, and the neutron takes a sip. "Great Beer!" comments the neutron, "How much?" The Bartender replies, "For you, no charge."

5.25.2004

Dogs

I've learned a lot about the politics of my fellow American that my book of days would happily read without. We are a fickle lot, with dishonesty our practice, and hipocracy our creed. Dumb to the bone and mean at heart, we aren't happy unless we're at another man's throat. And through it all, oblivious enough to believe ourselves superior to the common dog.

They say all dogs go to heaven, but they say the path for man is hardly tread at all. I believe them on both counts.

Having observed both dog and man in their natural habitat, I can't help but come to the conclusion that one is a vicious animal who enjoys tearing it's victims to shreds, and the other is the dog.

A dog is a loving Buddhist which spends it's day lounging in God's golden sunshine and exploring Mother Nature's wonders. He's generally too busy loving his place in life to pass judgement on anyone other than the cat, which was put on this earth for the sole purpose of being judged, juried, and executionered by the dog. Man's best friend, the dog, yet through the ages we still think of ourselves as the master. But no one who thinks themselves the master is ever really the master, it's the ones who are able to go about their business with someone else claiming the title who are really superior.

Thank goodness he's the content sort, happy to live in his paradise and not try to force it on us, or else it would mean the end of both our species on earth.

conservatives love bush

As time goes on, it becomes more and more apparent that conservatives have become a school girl in love, hanging on to every word of the man who is all wrong for them, clinging to hope where there is none to be found. You can find them sitting by the phone on friday night, "He said he would call. I know those WMD will show up, he said they would. Deficits are really a good thing." It is a painful thing to see happen to a person. You want to tell them to move on, that this is not a happily ever after fairy tale, but you know it will only hurt them more to hear it than to keep on living the lie.

I am quite sure now that often, very often, in matters concerning religion and politics a man's reasoning powers are not above the monkey's. - Mark Twain in Eruption

Ode to summer romance.

Sweet summertime.
Oh weather so fair.
Green as far as the eye can see.
Love blooms everywhere.

All souls aspark at sum'r's onset
With love, hearts beat and flutter
Or as my friend at work said today
"Damn, she sure had a nice turdcutter"


Yep, I heard that today. "Turdcutter." Never heard the word before. Just makes you feel
all warm and romantic doesn't it? Ah, many's the fair maiden been swooned by a sweet whispering compliment on her turdcutter.

"Oh thank you, it does make quite wonderful turds. Thank you for noticing. Want
my phone number? Oh, take me you hunk of manmeat you! Make love to me now!"

Works every time

5.24.2004

In lieu of dubya's Iraq speech

I would rather have heard a speech on our war against Al-qaeda. We're pumping warm bodies and deficit dollars into Iraq like there's no tomorrow but you don't hear much about those Al-qaeda bastards anymore. I can still remember when they were the enemy, the greatest threat to the nation in our age. People who wanted to actually kill us. Dead. Here. In America!

Now the enemy is shadowy people with ambiguous origins and obscure allegiances who want to gain power by exploiting our incoherent foreign policy and embarrassing our diplomats. Oh, we can't have that, not in an election year.

The American form of democracy is a swell idea but when faced with a clear threat it has focused on spreading itself rather than hunkering down for the fight. Perhaps it is akin to some form of self aware virus which replicates itself when it glimpses it's imminent demise. Forget about the immidiate threat and procreate like there's no tomorrow, because maybe there isn't. Iraq, the lifeboat?

And if there is anyone out there who would like to procreate like there's no tomorrow, let this post be your inspiration, for there is not a politician in DC who knows what this country is doing and not one alive who can be trusted to do anything more than worry about their own crooked career.

Where Are They Now? transcript, March 25 2007

"So mister Bin Laden, five years ago you were the most wanted man in the world but then it all came crumbling down. What have you been doing since?"

"Well I thought I was in big trouble after that whole 911 thing but they just sort of forgot about me and focused on reshaping the world. You know, Iraq and all. It's like I didn't even exist anymore. You can't explain it. I tried to call a few times but they just weren't interested anymore.

"For a guy like me, you know, I wasn't ready for all the fame, and then all of a sudden it was all gone, you know. So I was like, what do I do now? I had a tough couple of years, but, you know, you take it one day at a time.

"It was tough for a while. One morning I woke up in a Vegas hotel, that I was living in at the time, in a pool of my own vomit, a coked up 45 year old hooker in the bed and a bookie beating down the door. That's when I knew I needed to do something. So I checked myself into one of those 12 step programs for recovering jihadists and six months later I had my own place, a car and even met a nice girl.

"So I do odd jobs. You know, just trying to get by. But things are good. I had a cameo in the Michael Moore film. Just a small role, you won't know it's me unless you have slow motion. (laughs) I did another small role for MTV, and it was even a speaking part, but my line was like seven words long. Here's what I said; "You want some hollandaise sauce on that?" Hollandaise (laughs). That was a lot of fun.

"Oh, I'm still hoping to be on celebrity Jeopardy next month. So, you know, I'm still around on TV some. Not like I used to be you know! (laughs) I remember when I could just have some guy start filming and I would just, like, talk for thirty minutes or so. I mean ramble on and on, not even paying attention to what I was saying sometimes. And next thing you know, this guy would travel a thousand miles with the tape and it would be on Al-Jazeera the next day and everybody, I mean everybody, CNN, NBC, CBS, ABC, FOX... well not FOX, everybody but FOX would have it on the air the next day. Maybe the president would try to make some sort of response to it, but, you know, nobody could ever understand what he was saying so it was kind of funny. (laughs) But that's how it was back then. I could just ramble on and on for a few minutes and people would just be all over it.

"But anyway, I do small jobs on TV sometimes. Other than that I work part time at a rental place. You know, one of those places where people rent couches and TVs. Only in America! I don't think I can say the name on TV but I've been there for six months and I'm probably going to be assisstant manager soon. I don't want to make a career out of it or anything, but you know, it pays the bills. And I like the people. It's low stress. It's not so bad, you know.

"But I still want to get back into the limelight somewhat. I do these little gigs, opening for local bands you know. I come out, do a few jokes, and you know, they get to see a celebrity. It's kind of cool for them I suppose. Extra cash for me. It's 10 minutes of work, it's not so bad.

"Oh, my cousin, I almost forgot. My cousin has started a band and I'm the manager. I handle the equipment and book gigs. You know, nothing big so far but we've had some good shows. It's called "Tora Bora Blues" so if anyone's watching and wants to book them, maybe they can, like, put up a number or something. Maybe they'll hit, you never know. I'm not counting on it, no offense muhammed it's just tough to make it to the big time, but you never know, maybe they will. They're really good.

"So you know, things are going OK. I'm really doing pretty well when you look at it. It's not a bad life. Not everything is 100 percent the way I want it, but I'm working on that. And if I don't make it back, at least I tried. I think that's all that really matters. You give it your best shot and hope for the best, but even if you don't make it, be happy in whatever you do. And I'm happy in that. And I think that's what matters."


How to make a bookmark icon

Maybe you've noticed, the bookmark for this site now has a li'l icon next to it. Oh, it's just spiffy, I know. It's really easy to make your own but I can only tell you how to do it in Linux. So if you're using windoze, get a real OS and you too can have your very own spiffy little icon doohickey on your interweb page thingy.

In Linux, just open KIconEdit and make your icon and save it as "favicon.ico" then place it somewhere on your site with the following text hidden somewhere in your website:

< link rel="shortcut icon" href="http://www.eskimo.com/~wage/favicon.ico" type="image/x-icon" />

only where it says href="" you put the path to the favicon.ico file between the quotation marks, it might look a little somethin' like this; href="/images/favicon.ico" or href="www.somewhere.com/~yoursite/favicon.ico" You know, wherever.

Paycheck Science

I was at the video store Saturday and couldn't find anything good so I ended up with Paycheck starring Ben Affleck and Uma Thurman. By reading the back of the box, I doubted I would be impressed, but I figured it's a big budget action film with two well known stars so maybe it's worth three bucks.

I was wrong. This movie had no redeeming qualities whatsoever. The action sucked, the actors sucked, but the worst sucker of all was the story and the science behind it.

The premise is this: Affleck is a whiz kid computer reverse engineer who works on projects that are either secret or illegal enough that the companies he works for erase his memories after he's finished. If he starts a project in August and works until October, they put him in a machine that erases his memories of those two months. He takes on a big job that should pay 92 million dollars but requires him to stay on the job for three years, which is a record amount of time. After he is done and the memories of those three years are erased he finds that the money was paid in stock options and that he had forfeited all of it a couple of weeks earlier. The only thing he is left with is an envelope with 20 everyday items that he mailed himself.

Long story short, he keeps getting in situations where these items save his life. A pair of glasses that see through smoke help him escape from the FBI, a key to a subway maintainence door helps him escape from hired gunmen, a key to a motorcycle helps him escape from even more killers. He eventually figures out that the project that he was working on for those three years must have been a machine that could see into the future and he must have used it to place these items to save his life.

Now let me share the science behind this machine by quoting a dialogue between two characters. It is based on a "laser-enhanced lens" which "is powerful enough to see around the curvature of the universe." Because "if you could see around a curve that went on forever, (the charcter traces his hand all the way around an apple as he speaks) you would end up back where you started, looking at yourself" "except not looking back at yourself now, in the present.." "No.. you're looking at the future."

(A little explanation for the Einstein impaired. I won't get into the science, and I'm no scientist to begin with, but just trust me when I say one popular theory is that the universe is shaped like a sphere. Or like the earth. On the earth, tf you start at the north pole and go south you will eventually end back at the north pole again due to the curvature of the earth. For the purpose of this discussion, we will assume that's true for the universe too. If you start at earth and go in any direction you may go all the way around the universe and end back at earth even though you are going straight the entire time.)

Now, a machine that can see all the way around the curvature of space is just silly. This would be a distance of several billions of light years. Basically, this lens could see everything in the universe, and not just stars. It sees everything in the universe well enough to see people too.

Even if a lens could do that, you would see the past, not the future. You look up at the sky and see the sun, but you aren't really seeing the sun as it is right now, you see it as it was eight minutes ago because light from the sun takes eight minutes to reach the earth. If my memory is correct, the nearest star, Alpha Centauri, is over one light year away so it takes light from there a whole year to reach us. If aliens went to Alpha Centauri and blew it up today, we would not see it happen for another year. Other galaxies that we can see in the universe may be 5 or 10 billion light years away so we're seeing them as they were 5 or 10 billion years ago.

So how big is the universe? I don't know and haven't been reading much astronomical news lately so let's pick a number out of thin air. Let's say that if humans can look in one direction and see galaxies that are 10 billion light years away and can look in the opposite direction and see completely different galaxies that are 10 billion light years away. Imagine the universe is a sphere like the earth and imagine us at the equator. That's 10 billion light years on both sides that we can see, so from the "north pole" of the universe to the "south pole" has to be at least 20 billion light years. Consequently, if you could see all the way around the universe and back again you would be seeing at least 40 billion light years away.

So anything you saw with this "future seeing" machine would actually be 40 billion years old. You wouldn't be able to look into the machine and see yourself, you couldn't even see the earth or the sun because neither of them were here 40 billion years ago!

There are plenty of movies that have scientific problems, but this gem is rotten enough to get it entirely backwards. You can overlook this premise and just watch the movie, but the movie itself isn't very good either.

5.23.2004

Abu Ghraib art?

These photos signify nothing. They should not be taken as an attack on religion, Bush or anything else. They are only images that saturate our popular culture and look much alike, only with different subjects. They are most likely offensive, but no more so than the actions they record.


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Shamelessly borrowed from Killing the Buddha

The Mirror and the Leash



Our Lady of Minor Hostilities

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Shamelessly borrowed from Low Culture







Liberty

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Iraqi artist Salah Edine Sallat puts the final touches to a wall painting based on the US Statue of Liberty and a widely published photograph of an abused detainee at the Abu Ghraib prison in Baghdad's Shiite neighborhood of Sadr City.(AFP/Ramzi Haidar)

Ahmed Chalabi's diary

Some may not be aware but Ahmed Chalabi's diary was one of the things the US took during their raid on his offices a few days ago. Amazingly, the government has quickly honored my FOIA request and I will be posting entries from his diary whenever I have time to translate them. Unfortunately, they aren't dated.

5 PM
Today was a boring day. Sometimes I just wish all this was over with and I was dictator already. It's times like these that I remember Donald Rumsfeld's words; "Amid all the clutter, beyond all the obstacles, aside from all the static, are the goals set. Put your head down, do the best job possible, let the flak pass, and work toward those goals." And so i try to take it one day at a time and keep my eye on the future.

I met with L. Paul Bremer III today, or "Jerry" as he likes to be called, don't ask me why. We talked about the transition of Iraq to democracy and all that crap again. I think anyway, I wasn't really listening, I was counting in my head how much money I could get for selling this man's head to the aytollahs. Not much I thought. Maybe a little chump change, but probably not even enough for a cappuccino latte at the baghdad Starbucks.

I almost let the cat out of the bag. "Jerry" was going on and on about something and said that we should get together tomorrow to work on our plans and without thinking I told him I had to see some Iraqi SAVAK (Iranian Ministry of Security) operatives to pick up my paycheck. He asked what I said and I replied that it was the name of a new band I was going to go see but I'd take a raincheck"

Oh boy, thank Allah the Americans are stupid dogs!

----------------------
11:30 PM

I watched Lord Of The Rings, The Two Towers tonight and there was one character that I admired more than all the rest, his name was Wormtongue. I didn't catch his first name and didn't have rewind. Get that, the man who is being groomed to be the dictator of Iraq can't get a clicker with a rewind button in his palace! Life is so funny sometimes.

Anywho, this guy, Wormtongue, was a trusted advisor to one of the imperial kings, only he was also on the payroll of the opposition. A guy after my own heart! He eventually gets found out and tossed out of the castle into the street and he says, get this, "I have only ever served you my lord." And it worked! Well, sort of anyway. They were going to kill him but they let him go instead. Can you believe that? I'll have to keep that in mind in case I ever need it, but it would have to be updated for a more modern audience. Something like, "I only act from an Iraqi national perspective" sounds like it might work.

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