1.30.2005

I will never look innocently upon a merry-go-round for the rest of my life


Crystal and I went to the movies Saturday night in Sevierville but we were an hour early for the movie we wanted to see so we needed to kill some time. For those of you who don't know, Sevierville goes alongside Pigeon Forge and Gatlinburg to complete the tourist hell trifecta that is the Tennessee side of the Great Smoky Mountains, thus we knew we could easily find something to kill time.

Anyway, we had been in one of those "As Seen On TV stores" stores earlier and had a good laugh at all the infomercial crap they were hocking, so we decided to drop by the Price Right Mall because it looked like the mother of all As Seen On TV stores, big and cheap.

So we're walking around, joking about some of the goofy things for sale and I notice this carousel horse and said something dumb like "Here ya go, you need one of these."

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It was about three feet high and really well designed and artistically made, quite ornate I guess, but it was still ugly as hell. We kinda chuckled "yeah that'd look good in my house" and started walking because other than the fact that we cut it's head off in the photo you probably wouldn't notice anything amiss. However as I walked around behind it I noticed something a little odd.

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HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, IT'S GOT BALLS!! BIG HUGE HORSE BALLS!

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OH SWEET JESUS NO! NO... NO... NOOOOOOOOO... THAT'S SO TERRIBLE! NOOOOO!!!>

I just busted out laughing and pointed and we both started almost rolling on the floor with laughter.

It's not just the fact that the horse is anatomically correct that is so funny, it's that you don't expect it. You think, oh here's a cheesy ceramic sculpture of a carousel horse, a children's ride, to get grandma for Christmas. He's even cocking his leg up and prancing around like a well trained horse might. Then you notice he's really cocking his leg up because his creator endowed him with a set of gargantuan testicles that would make any other stance uncomfortable.

Now let's look at the first photo again.

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Yep, he's got the frank as well as the beans.

The question on my mind is, why? Why, for the love of God, would someone make something like this and add balls to it? And not just balls, but bawls. Big freaking huge bawls right there for everyone to see. The artist was apparently happy with his work because, although it didn't come out clearly in the photo, he signed the horses right leg next to it's testicles.

Is it not the most terrible thing you have ever seen? Why? Dear God why?

My only regret is that I was laughing so hard that I didn't even think of buying it at the time. I didn't even check the price on it. I'm going to check it out next weekend so if you're reading this in the Tennessee area, I have dibs on that horse! It's so horriffic I just can't pass it up.



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