2.06.2005

Who is the best Uncle Jesse?


Apropos this post at Monkeyfilter, I am proud to present the world's first Uncle Jesse vs Uncle Jesse title match in which the Uncle Jesse from The Dukes Of Hazzard will go against Uncle Jesse from Full House in a winner take all battle royale to see who is the world's best Uncle Jesse.

In this corner, weighing in at 155 pounds, hair 9 pounds, we have John Stamos, Uncle Jesse from Full House.

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And in this corner, weighing in at 260, we have Denver Pyle, Uncle Jesse from The Dukes Of Hazzard.

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Annnnnd fight!

John Stamos: Still lives
Denver Pyle: Died on Christmas Day, 1997
Advantage: John Stamos

John Stamos: Was the uncle of three cute little girls
Denver Pyle: Was the uncle of three asskicking adults
Advantage: Denver Pyle

Denver Pyle: Can jump cars, creeks and other obstacles
John Stamos: Can jump Rebecca Romijn-Stamos
Advantage: John Stamos

John Stamos: Liked to think himself as an outlaw
Denver Pyle: Ran 'shine
Advantage: Denver Pyle

John Stamos: Struggling rocker
Denver Pyle: Struggled against local corruption
Advantage: Denver Pyle

John Stamos: Went to jail in Tomato Country on way to a wedding, released by Becky
Denver Pyle: Whole family is routinely jailed and routinely breaks out
Advantage: Denver Pyle

John Stamos: Would teach and inspire the young ones to overcome life's problems
Denver Pyle: Had young ones attack problems with dynamite equipped bow and arrows
Advantage: Denver Pyle

John Stamos: Owns a guitar
Denver Pyle: Owns a shotgun
Advantage: Denver Pyle

John Stamos: Calls Bob Saget if he has car trouble
Denver Pyle: Cals Cooter on CB
Advantage: Denver Pyle

John Stamos: Looks a little bit like Richie Sambora
Denver Pyle: Looks a lot like Santa Clause
Advantage: Denver Pyle

Denver Pyle: In one episode, had contact with an extraterrestrial
John Stamos: In real life, has contact with Rebecca Romijn-Stamos
Advantage: John Stamos

John Stamos: Wrote advertising jingles
Denver Pyle: Played country/bluegrass
Advantage: Denver Pyle

John Stamos: Niece was cute little girl played by the Olsen Twins
Denver Pyle: Niece was asskicking lady played by Catherine Bach
Advantage: Tie, Denver Pyle wins by decision (see sub-category below)

Sudden Death Niece Sub-category:
Olson Twins: Too young to drive in show, driven around by bodyguards in real life
Catherine Bach: Drove a topless, doorless jeep
Advantage: Catherine Bach

Olson Twins: Pouted and looked cute to get their way
Catherine Bach: Kicked ass to get out of danger
Advantage: Catherine Bach

Olson Twins: Nickname was "Munchkin"
Catherine Bach: CB handle was "little Bo Peep"
Advantage: Catherine Bach

Olson Twins: Wore cute pajamas
Catherine Bach: Wore daisy dukes
Advantage: Catherine Bach

Catherine Bach: Became the first love of a whole generation of young men
Olson Twins: Is lusted after by a whole generation of creepy older men
Advantage: Catherine Bach
John Stamos: Obscure before Full House, and after
Denver Pyle: Was in many well known movies and TV shows before Dukes of Hazzard, and many after
Advantage: Denver Pyle

And the final tally is..

John Stamos - 3
Denver Pyle - 11

Denver Pyle wins the Uncle Jesse tournament by a landslide!



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