2.10.2005

What's a man gotta do to get whisked away to Guantanamo Bay for questioning?


According to the Washington Post, inmates at Guantanamo Bay are routinely sexually taunted by female "interrogators."
The women rubbed their bodies against the men, wore skimpy clothes in front of them, made sexually explicit remarks and touched them provocatively, at least eight detainees said in documents or through their attorneys.

A wide-ranging Pentagon investigation, which has not yet been released, generally confirms the detainees' allegations, according to a senior Defense Department official familiar with the report. While isolated accounts of such tactics have emerged in recent weeks, the new allegations and the findings of the Pentagon investigation indicate that sexually oriented tactics may have been part of the fabric of Guantanamo interrogations, especially in 2003.
...
The military investigation of U.S. detention and interrogation practices worldwide, led by Vice Adm. Albert T. Church III, confirmed one case in which an Army interrogator took off her uniform top and paraded around in a tight T-shirt to make a Guantanamo detainee uncomfortable, and other cases in which interrogators touched the detainees suggestively, the senior Pentagon official said.
I.. am.. appalled. Appalled I say, at this administration's constant coddling of potential terrorist detainees. I mean, I don't know how it is where you're from, but around here you gotta pay for that shit!

Can someone point me to an Al-qaeda sign-up form or something? I think I could handle just sitting around all day in a tropical climate eating three square meals while waiting for the chicks to pop in for a lapdance.

But seriously, this isn't "torture" or "abuse" really, at least not the caliber of the anal rape fetishists at Abu Ghraib, it's just stupid and embarrassing. Four hundred billion dollars a year spent on defense. Three trillion dollars in the last decade and this is the best we can come up with? I mean, this isn't some backwoods terrorist detention facility where they run things a little lax, this is Gitmo baby, where all the professionals go to pry the information out of the bad guys.

Ah yes, the pride of serving the nation, the honor of wearing the uniform, the excitement of giving a terrorist who hasn't shaved or showered in three years an erection. Uncle Sam wants you!

And what about these girls anyway. I picture their families at home with yellow ribbons on their door in honor of their daughter overseas fighting evil, while in fact they're defending the homefront by dry-humping people like this and this.

What the hell's the matter with these people? Haven't these people seen movies? Arnold Schwartzenegger never stuck anything up anyone's butt. Clint Eastwood never gave anyone a lapdance for information.

You get the bad guys and question them seperately, play one against the other. Good cop bad cop, all that shit. "Your buddy ratted you out, told us everything." "Oh no, he's the one who bought the explosives, not me." -go to the other guy- "Your buddy told us all about the explosives you bought." "yeah I bought them but he's the one who met the contact in Islamabad"

We all know how it's done. Why are they running this shit like a porno movie? Haven't they seen Law And Order and CSI?

Nice try



2.06.2005

Who is the best Uncle Jesse?


Apropos this post at Monkeyfilter, I am proud to present the world's first Uncle Jesse vs Uncle Jesse title match in which the Uncle Jesse from The Dukes Of Hazzard will go against Uncle Jesse from Full House in a winner take all battle royale to see who is the world's best Uncle Jesse.

In this corner, weighing in at 155 pounds, hair 9 pounds, we have John Stamos, Uncle Jesse from Full House.

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And in this corner, weighing in at 260, we have Denver Pyle, Uncle Jesse from The Dukes Of Hazzard.

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Annnnnd fight!

John Stamos: Still lives
Denver Pyle: Died on Christmas Day, 1997
Advantage: John Stamos

John Stamos: Was the uncle of three cute little girls
Denver Pyle: Was the uncle of three asskicking adults
Advantage: Denver Pyle

Denver Pyle: Can jump cars, creeks and other obstacles
John Stamos: Can jump Rebecca Romijn-Stamos
Advantage: John Stamos

John Stamos: Liked to think himself as an outlaw
Denver Pyle: Ran 'shine
Advantage: Denver Pyle

John Stamos: Struggling rocker
Denver Pyle: Struggled against local corruption
Advantage: Denver Pyle

John Stamos: Went to jail in Tomato Country on way to a wedding, released by Becky
Denver Pyle: Whole family is routinely jailed and routinely breaks out
Advantage: Denver Pyle

John Stamos: Would teach and inspire the young ones to overcome life's problems
Denver Pyle: Had young ones attack problems with dynamite equipped bow and arrows
Advantage: Denver Pyle

John Stamos: Owns a guitar
Denver Pyle: Owns a shotgun
Advantage: Denver Pyle

John Stamos: Calls Bob Saget if he has car trouble
Denver Pyle: Cals Cooter on CB
Advantage: Denver Pyle

John Stamos: Looks a little bit like Richie Sambora
Denver Pyle: Looks a lot like Santa Clause
Advantage: Denver Pyle

Denver Pyle: In one episode, had contact with an extraterrestrial
John Stamos: In real life, has contact with Rebecca Romijn-Stamos
Advantage: John Stamos

John Stamos: Wrote advertising jingles
Denver Pyle: Played country/bluegrass
Advantage: Denver Pyle

John Stamos: Niece was cute little girl played by the Olsen Twins
Denver Pyle: Niece was asskicking lady played by Catherine Bach
Advantage: Tie, Denver Pyle wins by decision (see sub-category below)

Sudden Death Niece Sub-category:
Olson Twins: Too young to drive in show, driven around by bodyguards in real life
Catherine Bach: Drove a topless, doorless jeep
Advantage: Catherine Bach

Olson Twins: Pouted and looked cute to get their way
Catherine Bach: Kicked ass to get out of danger
Advantage: Catherine Bach

Olson Twins: Nickname was "Munchkin"
Catherine Bach: CB handle was "little Bo Peep"
Advantage: Catherine Bach

Olson Twins: Wore cute pajamas
Catherine Bach: Wore daisy dukes
Advantage: Catherine Bach

Catherine Bach: Became the first love of a whole generation of young men
Olson Twins: Is lusted after by a whole generation of creepy older men
Advantage: Catherine Bach
John Stamos: Obscure before Full House, and after
Denver Pyle: Was in many well known movies and TV shows before Dukes of Hazzard, and many after
Advantage: Denver Pyle

And the final tally is..

John Stamos - 3
Denver Pyle - 11

Denver Pyle wins the Uncle Jesse tournament by a landslide!

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